Sorry i've been MIA but i've been reading

Well, not much to report on this end except that i'm down 3 more pounds!! Almost at my first goal weight. NOW I NEED TO JUST KEEP GOING!! NO FOOD< id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5476021022867784066" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 104px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 112px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiua8J3Azo5MJzKPQRS4H_2QInSdXUsg8qk7J8gQbUVHwWQ7rw4tCkEt1504Di3E6FZdLBPOqdfe8LbOHkaqyEqKv440TbDdhsjDwjtMvPNzuhjCgk88bUGiZR6lulNiwgi0uAlnS33xWFS/s320/weight+lose.jpg" border="0">

Awkward Encounters with Co-Workers Today and its only 10am

Don’t stop suddenly talking about your mother’s day with great animation because I walked into the room and I don’t have a mother and you feel guilty. You’re not responsible for my mother’s death and I don’t expect everyone around me to stop living there lives because mine has come to a screeching halt.

It’s so odd how co-workers don’t know how to handle themselves around you anymore. Am I really that different?? I guess I am a lot more depressed, have a very dark sense of humor and I’m partial to wearing all black lately but I’m still the same person. I’m just mourning

2010 has been the year of sadness for me. Watching my mother die a slow and painful death a few months ago and now watching my husband’s grandmother pass away last week as well. I’m just surrounded by sadness and I just feel the gloom and misery and depression. It makes me feel alive.
xoxo
k

Tearful holiday and Fucking Ice Cream

I can’t fill this empty hole. I’ve been stuffing and stuffing it full of ice cream all day waiting to feel satisfied but it’s not working. I’ve been stilling on the sofa under this electric blanket trying to stay warm and hiding from the constant phone calls but I feel guilty for hiding from the world. All day I’ve been avoiding contact with everyone except my faithful cat and I think that’s because she can’t tell me what she thinks would be good for me. I keep telling my husband I’m coming to bed soon but it’s been 3 ½ hours and I’m just not ready.

Its mother’s Day and all I want to do is talk to my mom. I want to hear her voice….just for one minute. I would do just about anything to have that feeling of obligation today that I have to rush out and buy a gift, a card, and flowers. Get up early for breakfast or go out for a family brunch but nothing is going on today and I’m hiding in my house eating ice cream and hiding under my warm blanket with the cat.

I consider completely skipping today. I was thinking about turning off all the phones, closing all the blinds, taking a few sleeping pills and sleeping the day away. Going from Saturday to Monday morning….I think I could have done it with the proper planning and the correct dosage of pills but my husband was my only problem. Always trying to be my ray of sunshine saying “it will feel great to get off the sofa and get some fresh air” and I’m always thinking (NO FUCKING WAY) I’m happy on right here!

So this is my first official Mother’s Day without a mother. Today was hard. Had multiple breakdowns, first starting when I tried to shower around 9am…who knows why?? And they continued throughout the day. Every hallmark commercial made me cry and every lifetime Mother’s Day Marathon movie too. Maybe I should have stayed away from the lifetime network LOL.

My mom has been gone for four months and every time I think about the fact that she isn’t going to be around and I won’t hear her voice ever again it takes my breath away. :-(

I feel so empty right now, so lost, so alone! And of course fat because I’ve consumer over 3,000 in ice cream today. Happy Mother’s Day!!

Secrets

I wonder how often all the secrets I keep from the most important people in my life will catch up to me at once. I’m not lying all the time but I just choice to not disclose information that might be important to loved ones. I am so used to keeping it all bottled up inside and dealing with my feeling all on my own that I’m not ready to tell anyone my secrets. I’m not ready to release all the things that would make me feel vulnerable. Do you think that ever changes?? I’ve been like that my entire life up to this point and I really don’t see that ever changing.

The reason I’m asking….my husband is questioning me a lot! Everything is a question now? Why did you do that?? Where did you go? When did that happen?? How do you feel? I don’t understand??? Can you explain?? And I just want to SCREAM>>>>UGGGGUUHHHHHHHH Leave me alone!! Stop asking me a million questions.

Oh and the latest and greatest question? Did you eat?? Is that all you’re eating?? What is that medicine you’re taking?? All I want to say is….its my little secret

xoxo
K