Tearful holiday and Fucking Ice Cream

I can’t fill this empty hole. I’ve been stuffing and stuffing it full of ice cream all day waiting to feel satisfied but it’s not working. I’ve been stilling on the sofa under this electric blanket trying to stay warm and hiding from the constant phone calls but I feel guilty for hiding from the world. All day I’ve been avoiding contact with everyone except my faithful cat and I think that’s because she can’t tell me what she thinks would be good for me. I keep telling my husband I’m coming to bed soon but it’s been 3 ½ hours and I’m just not ready.

Its mother’s Day and all I want to do is talk to my mom. I want to hear her voice….just for one minute. I would do just about anything to have that feeling of obligation today that I have to rush out and buy a gift, a card, and flowers. Get up early for breakfast or go out for a family brunch but nothing is going on today and I’m hiding in my house eating ice cream and hiding under my warm blanket with the cat.

I consider completely skipping today. I was thinking about turning off all the phones, closing all the blinds, taking a few sleeping pills and sleeping the day away. Going from Saturday to Monday morning….I think I could have done it with the proper planning and the correct dosage of pills but my husband was my only problem. Always trying to be my ray of sunshine saying “it will feel great to get off the sofa and get some fresh air” and I’m always thinking (NO FUCKING WAY) I’m happy on right here!

So this is my first official Mother’s Day without a mother. Today was hard. Had multiple breakdowns, first starting when I tried to shower around 9am…who knows why?? And they continued throughout the day. Every hallmark commercial made me cry and every lifetime Mother’s Day Marathon movie too. Maybe I should have stayed away from the lifetime network LOL.

My mom has been gone for four months and every time I think about the fact that she isn’t going to be around and I won’t hear her voice ever again it takes my breath away. :-(

I feel so empty right now, so lost, so alone! And of course fat because I’ve consumer over 3,000 in ice cream today. Happy Mother’s Day!!